My Virtual  

Mother's Day News letter

By Sally B. Goode

My wife Sally, ( a virtual princess of the local Native American tribe), decided that instead of the usual boring Christmas Letters that  folks send to their relatives and friends, she would create a more useful letter that folks would keep in their "keepsake" scrapbook.

Chocked full of helpful hints for use around the farm, ranch and barrios. Such valuable aids ie: How to remove porcupine quills without invasive surgery! (Hint:  Soak the affected area with Ronson lighter fluid and apply the flame of a kitchen match. CAUTION: DO NOT INHALE THE ENSUING FUMES...WEAR PROTECTIVE EYEWARE!

But back to the main purpose of the letter, My wife's special day was full of small and great surprises. She awoke to a whooping breakfast in bed, brought in by her adoring neighbors. The victuals included: steamy apple & jalepano flavored Tacos, large heaping bowls of Peas Porridge,G very hot! ), fried green Guava and blue tortilla chips, topped off with Blue Bell's Cookie Dough sour cream.

The next surprise was a visit from our Pastor, brother Theodore, and his "Hoity Toity" friend from Dallas( suburb of Turkey Trot...our home town!!) Sally spotted this dude as a genuine "Bible Thumper", decked out in a purple store bought suit with a shiny silver colored four-in-hand. His footware, obviously size 13, was glazed with what looked like stove polish. He had a piece of multi-color feed sack folded and stuffed in his coat's breast pocket. This Holy Roller type, according to Bro. Teddy, was now teaching un-suspecting youth how to enter the Bible thumping business. He was instructing them how to talk in Church-eeze. Stuff like: "Amen", "Hal- a- lew- you", "Pass the chicken, please", "Bless your heart, honey" and "thank you Jesus". This last church talk, is well received in counties south of us here in Bluebonnet. I'm told that when you utter "Thank you Jesus", it's inerpreted as "Thank you Hay-sues" and sets off a lively celebration among the 18-34 young studs. Oft times as not, they began to sign praises to an amazing lady named Grace. She probably was a favorite school teacher...or something,  of the group.

Our litle darling of the fifth grade, Marlou Jane, wrote a cute 'lil Mother's day poem to her mom. She used her best Crayolas and a Safeway grocery sack to compose this little ditty"" "M" is . for the many whupin's you could have given me....but did not!, "O" is for the only child I could have been...but was not!, "T" is for the things I wished for....but never got!, "H" is for halloween costumes you promised to make...but you forgot!,  (ED: The rest is torn off. Sorry!)  Put them all togather,they spell MOTH..

Back to Sally's newsletter. My wonderful Mother's Day afternon was spent at the "Do Drop 'Round" Tanning salon over in Crawford, ( home of the Bush crowd ) I WAS ABLE TO PICK UP SOME JUICY FACTS ABOUT THAT BUNCH! Salon owner, Freida Faye filled me in on the gosh-awful shooting that went on there. Seems a bunch of city types had gathered there to do a little shooting and breast thumping when one of the old geezers they referred to as VP, accidently drew down and blasted one of the guest. A whole lot of activity ensued. Dozens of black cars swarmed on the ranch along with trucks with long poles on top, cameras, and western clad, skinny blonds with microphones telling folks in Las Vegas and St. Paul  about the near fatal accident.

We heard on Jan Leno's show that the shooter would receive a $50.00 publisher's advance for his account of the incident. (ED: I think he'd better take it. He may be out of a job, come January. )